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When you miss a goal or make some sort of mistake, get knocked down, etc, how long does it take you to get back up? Do you punish yourself, or do you learn the lesson and move on?

This was the topic of a recent Zoom call I participated in with fellow business owners. So today I’ll discuss punishment, and while this post is geared mainly toward the humans, I’ll incorporate some “dog stuff” in the second part.

At the start of the conversation I felt myself get my back up just a little. I thought our coach was saying we shouldn’t even allow ourselves to feel the emotions of disappointment. I thought she was suggesting we ignore them or push them down and just move on.

Why did this bother me?

Because in the past, I read a lot of books and listened to a lot of “successful” people suggest just that. I also learned some not very helpful lessons in my younger years that my emotions weren’t valid, and as a result I began to hide them.

Guess what. That is not healthy.

Thank God for the therapist I finally found who talked to me about allowing my emotions — I call it “feeling the feels” (often with great alliteration of another F-word in there). He taught me the difference between having emotions, feeling disappointed, and feeling shame.

Shame is generally not healthy. I’m not a mental health professional, so I’m not going to suggest there is never a place for shame.

But where does that leave us when we mess up? Do we wallow in that mistake and give up? Do we eventually try again? How long does it take you to say, “So what, now what?” (That’s the phrase our coach used, and I’m now stealing it as my own.)

She suggested that fast is better than slow. I agree.

Mostly.

But I also think that fast and slow mean different things to different people. For me, slow used to mean days, weeks, or even months before I could get back up and try again — if I bothered to try again at all. Nowadays it can be hours, but still sometimes days. Very occasionally it’s mere minutes.

I think getting back up is the MOST important part, more than the speed of it. If you’re not used to considering how long it takes you to move on, or if you’re someone whose default is to just give up, then let’s go ahead and start with slow. It’s still faster than not at all.

But as you practice forgiving yourself and learning the lesson without the shame, then you’ll start getting there faster.

Ultimately that’s the goal — So what, now what? And move on. But baby steps are just fine.

And another thing: phone a friend

Our coach also talked about not self-isolating in these moments. Ugh, that’s a tough one. Add a pandemic to it, and holy sh*t!

But she’s right. Find a person — a friend, mentor, a group, whatever fits for you — you can call or visit and share your moment of failure (real or perceived) and the feelings surrounding it. Someone (or group) who will just listen, and that’s it.

Do I follow this practice well? Not often enough, even though I know it’s very good advice. And not everybody is the right kind of person to share your “failures” with. Even the most well-intentioned friends and family can handle these situations in not the best way.

My coach said the best thing someone can do for another person sharing these feelings of disappointment is to just listen and then say, “Yeah, that really sucks.”

That’s it. Don’t try to fix it. Don’t add reasons for punishment. Nothing. Agree that it sucks. The consequence of whatever you missed your mark on, sucks. It doesn’t feel good.

But now what? Where are you going from this point? That’s the type of person or group I want you to seek out, and I suggest you try to be as well.

The cycle of overwhelm, failure, and wallowing

When I first failed at filling out my dog treat registration application, I let myself wallow for too long. I felt like an absolute idiot, a stupid failure. (Super great self-talk there, right?)

I set it aside, and because it was a very busy time for me between my divorce, moving, my other business’ busy time of year, and the holidays fast approaching, I easily used those as excuses to not get focused on it again.

And some of that is valid. It’s one of the things I deal with on a daily basis — I can get overwhelmed easily.

If I don’t remind and allow myself to take a beat and then prioritize, then everything feels like it’s the same level of importance. Everything feels like it’s coming at me at once, and it feels like a tornado swirling all around me, sucking me in, and I begin to think I have no control. Then I shut down.

This doesn’t happen as often anymore, but it definitely still happens. If I don’t recognize the feeling of overwhelm as it’s creeping up, take a breath and use my strategies, the overwhelm takes over, and it’s all over. At least for the moment.

And that’s what I did with the treats. I didn’t feel confident that I would get it right if I tried again, and I would have to give up on my dream. I would feel like an utter failure, and I would be letting down the people around me who are cheering me on.

Silly, right? Because if I didn’t try again, then THAT WAS giving up on my dream. Anxiety and fear play terrible tricks on our minds.

With some nudging from my business partner/sister, I got refocused and tried again. This time, I reached out and asked questions. Hopefully I got it right this round. But one thing I know is that if I made mistakes again, I can fix them and try again. And this time around, I will try again right away. And I am already closer to my goals.

Another person on our Zoom call said something I have heard many times before, but this time it really stuck. She said, “If you’re not failing, you’re not trying.”

What I heard is that not only is it okay to fail, but it’s expected from time to time.

In that moment, she gave me permission to not only fail, but to forgive myself, learn the lesson, and get back up to try again.

What about the dogs?

So let’s talk about life with our dogs.

Have you been trying something with your dog, maybe training — something like walking well on leash, but just not succeeding? Do you find that you often just give up and decide, “My dog is just going to be a puller when we walk?”

Or maybe you’ve even given up walking her altogether.

And then you feel guilty, because you know darn well she needs those walks.

But when you or another family member or friend do walk her again, she’s practically impossible. The poor girl has pent-up energy and just doesn’t understand what’s expected. Then you feel like a failure — again. You know you should be working on it, but past experience has led you to believe (falsely) that you stink and just can’t do it.

What a terrible, never-ending circle of falling short and then punishing yourself.

Stop beating yourself up. It doesn’t do you or your dog any good. Understand that training does not come easily to every person, nor to every dog, but it IS possible with every human and every dog.

Just like learning anything else new, there is always more than one way and more than one fit. It might take a bit more time up front for you to find a new technique (or a few techniques) that will work for both you and your dog, but you absolutely CAN do it.

Also, not every trainer is the right fit. Just like not every doctor, coach, therapist, or even restaurant is the right fit. Find one that works for you and fits your style.

Please recognize, though, that you do need to do the work in between the weekly lessons with the trainer. I see too many people not follow through on their end, and then believe it’s the trainer’s fault or the dog’s fault.

Make an honest assessment of what’s going on there. But again, no shame, just learn the lesson, adjust course, and move on.

So where are you in this progression? Have you already mastered the skill of understanding you don’t need to punish yourself to learn a lesson and just move on? Are you stuck tormenting yourself to the point of almost giving up? Or are you somewhere in between and working on it?

What can I do to help you? Do you need tips or strategies on how to deal with that self talk? Or tips concerning your dog? Please let me know. Or come join and share it in our community on Facebook where we can all help one another!

 

 

 

 

 

Dog Parks.

It seems you either love ’em or hate ’em.

This is a hotly debated topic among the pet sitter groups I belong to. Much like a playground for young children, dog parks are a playground of sorts for dogs. Most parks are fenced in, so there’s no worry about your dog running off into the woods or traffic.

Some people believe they’re a great way to allow dogs to play and socialize with other canines. Others believe there are just too many risks involved — dog fights, disease, learning bad behaviors from other dogs (sort of like your child coming home with new, exciting language from the playground).

There are valid arguments on either side. Myself, I am pro-park. I love the park, and the dogs I have brought love the park.

However, not all dogs should visit the park. And not all caregivers are equipped to handle a park.

So how do you know whether you should bring Rex into this sort of environment?

Is Your Dog Medically Ready for the Park?

First, is he up to date on all of his vaccinations, including Bordatella (aka Kennel Cough)? If not, then NO. This is not a safe environment for your dog or for the other dogs.

Next, is your dog spayed or neutered? NEVER bring a female dog in heat to the park. You are asking for trouble if you do.

It’s not fair to her when the other dogs get excited and want to mount her, and it’s not safe because she’ll want to fend them off. And it’s likely that several male dogs will try to get to your girl, resulting in a scuffle (at best) or an all-out brawl. This is a recipe for disaster. Just don’t do it.

There are owners who seem to feel their unneutured male is fine to bring to the park. Personally, I feel most unneutered (and unspayed) dogs should generally not enter a park. However, vets have been recommending leaving dogs unaltered for longer than what used to be the norm — particularly larger breeds. So as long as the owner is conscientious and pays close attention to their dog (as all owners ought to be doing anyway), my view has softened a bit.

This topic — when and whether to alter your dog — is a blog for another day, but let me leave it by reiterating, to NEVER bring a female in heat to the park. NEVER.

Now that we got the medical stuff out of the way, let’s discuss what else needs to be considered.

Are You Physically and Mentally Prepared?

How about you, the human? Are you physically able to keep up with your dog in the park?

If you need to get her attention quickly, leash her and leave, can you? Do you know what to do if a fight breaks out? Can you physically do what needs to be done? If not, then avoid the park. This is not your fenced-in backyard where you can be less mindful.

Also, dogs run around a LOT at the park, they play chase in packs, and I have seen many people get barreled into, and even knocked over — myself included. If you aren’t physically able to handle what might happen, this isn’t the place for you to bring Rex.

If you are particularly timid and nervous, you probably want to think twice about the dog park. Your dog will feed off of that energy. If you’re nervous, she’ll be nervous and more likely to growl at approaching dogs who only want to check her out and maybe play. This can lead to aggression and a fight.

HOWEVER, this doesn’t mean you can never go to a park. I had a client who knew she was nervous but wanted to learn how to feel more confident and safe so her dog would feel confident and safe with other canines. She was open to learning. She took suggestions and small steps, and now both she and her dog are able to enjoy playtime with other dogs. It’s been wonderful to watch!

What kind of control do you have with your dog? If your answer is a hearty laugh, and a “Ha! She’s the one who runs things around here,” then you both aren’t ready for the park — yet.

Let’s work on some basic commands first: Sit, Stay, Down, Come, Off, Heel, and No. Once you both have those under your belt, then you might be ready for the park.

Full disclosure — while my dog and my fur niece do know these seven commands, they aren’t perfect with them 100 percent of the time. But the park, with all of its distractions, is a good place to continue practicing those commands. A distraction-free home is easy; how about the playground?

Is your dog possessive? Food Aggressive? Toy aggressive? If so, she should not go to the park. But again, this might not be a forever decision.

A good trainer can help most dogs with these behaviors. YOU have to also be trained, though. It’s incredibly frustrating how many pet parents think that only the dog needs training. You need it as well. Listen to the trainer, follow through, and be consistent. Especially when it comes to dealing with aggressive behaviors. Your dog needs to understand exactly what is expected at all times.

Once you have been through training – and this will take longer than a week or two because you’re in it for the long haul – you MIGHT be ready for the park. Start small, and ask your trainer’s advice for how to do this properly, if at all.

Park Etiquette

Once you know that your dog is medically ready and knows her basic commands, etc., what do you need to know about park etiquette?

There are usually rules posted on the fence — read them. If the park has a website, check it out before your first visit.

Maybe even visit once without your dog, just to get the lay of the land and observe. Even ask other dog owners questions. Most are more than happy to chat about their experience, help educate others about park etiquette, and of course just have the opportunity to talk about their dog.

A good park not only has signs posted at the gate, but also has a double fence, or containment, system. This means that there’s a gate to enter a small area where you take your dog’s leash off, and then another gate to enter the actual park.

This serves two major purposes. First, it keeps all the dogs contained so they can’t run out of the park. They would have to slip by two open gates rather than just the one. Second, it gives the new arrivals a moment to prepare and even sniff around a bit before heading into the large area of what can feel chaotic at first.

For a lot of dogs, a good walk before entering the park can be helpful. It rids them of extra tension and energy so they are more mentally relaxed when coming out to play with their friends.

Bring water and a dish. It’s a good idea to have your own for your dog, but let’s face it, they end up sharing dishes … which is another reason up-to-date vaccinations are so important. Some parks actually have hoses or fountains to fill your dish, but not all.

Do NOT bring treats or other food into the park. Not all owners are good about not bringing their food aggressive dogs, and even well-behaved dogs can get overstimulated and reactive when there’s competition for something to eat. Plus you’ll end up with dogs like my niece, Lillie, who will not stop following you if you have tasty snacks hidden on your person.

Leave the treats in the car and offer them after your visit.

Pick up after your dog. First, it’s just good manners. It’s gross to step in poop, and we’ve all done it. Help keep the place clean. Also, dog poop is a breeding ground for disease. Help to keep all the dogs healthy by picking up his waste.

Some parks have poop bags available, but it’s always a good idea to bring your own. So far, I haven’t been to a park that doesn’t at least have trash bins to dispose of your poop bags, but if they don’t, then you’ll have to carry that bag back with you and dispose of it in your own trash or dumpster.

As a dog walker, I hated carrying bags of poop on my walks, and found this great product, called a Doo-Doo Tube. It’s one of the best tools of the trade and saved my nose many times!

Keep a Close Eye on Your Dog at All Times!

And finally, a park is not a “just let your dog run free while you take a nap” kind of place.

As a responsible pet owner, you need to keep a close eye on your dog. Be aware of canine body language. Understand the difference between play wrestling and what is too rough, play growling and warning growls. Understand that although mounting other dogs is normal, it is also rude behavior, so don’t allow it.

My own dog is older and usually pretty chill, but occasionally he finds a dog he really “likes” and wants to mount. I know the look he gets and I put a stop to it before it happens. Does he sometimes try before I get to him? Yup. But I never just allow it. I take him off, and move him away.

If he becomes a pest and just won’t stop trying to go for it, we leave. That’s my responsibility as a pet owner. My usually well-behaved dog sometimes just doesn’t listen, so we leave and try again another day. We are not going to ruin the fun for the other dogs and humans who are following the rules and minding their manners.

Some owners don’t keep a close eye on their dogs. If I feel at all like my dog might be in danger because of a dog parent who isn’t watching their dog, the presence of an aggressive dog, or one who just won’t leave my boy alone (because he’s usually the one other dogs mount, not the other way around), then I leave.

I’ve been lucky, I suppose. My overall experience has been very good with dog parks. Have I seen fights break out? Of course. Are there some parks I avoid if I know a particularly aggressive dog or irresponsible pet parents are there? You bet.

But I also have the confidence to stop a fight before it begins if I notice one brewing, even if it’s not my own dogs. I have no problem telling other dogs “No” or pulling them off of my dog. I’m not rude. I don’t chastise the owner, and so far, no owner has gotten mad at me. (At least they haven’t said anything to me if they were.)

I believe that in a park, we all need to keep an eye out first on our own dogs, and then on each other’s as well, and I appreciate it when other owners do the same with the dogs in my care.

Dog parks can be a great place for socialization between dogs and between dogs and humans. It’s usually fun, and can be quite safe IF you are vigilant.

What has been your experience with dog parks? Do you have additional questions or concerns I can answer about them for you?

During a recent Group coaching call, Kelly (my coach — and you know with that name she must be awesome!) asked us whether we choose a word for the upcoming year.

This is a practice in which you pick a word to focus on during the next 12 months; it can be used in place of New Year’s resolutions or to support them. Some people call it a power word.

I’ve never really done this before. Perhaps in a flighty sort of way, but never with real intention. But I love this idea and thought about it for awhile. The group had a great discussion about a couple of different words and what they mean to us, and Kelly described a vision meditation she experienced with one of her own coaches awhile back.

During this discussion I blurted out, “Community!”

It was like, Duh! Every time my sister talked with me about what I want with my physical barkery, and what I want to create more of around me, that’s what it always comes back to. Community. How did I not realize that was my word right off the bat? I was thinking too hard. I was making it complicated for myself — an anxious person’s automatic go-to. Overthink. Stress that it’s not perfect.

But it was actually quite simple. I want to build community.

This is what I promised all of you when I put myself out there a couple of months ago. I plan to share tips, experiences, stories, and more about dogs and their absolute wonderfulness, as well as mental health stories and tips — living with it, getting through tough times — and of course, how dogs help us deal with a multitude of mental and physical health challenges.

I am still learning how to do all of this — how to be consistent and engaging on social media and with my blog and emails — but this year, my focus will be on my commitment to this community and building it into something you all will enjoy and learn from.

So how does this tie in with dogs? Well, community! I meet people because of dogs and through dogs. It’s easy for me to start talking to people when they have a pooch with them. Or when I have one. Or most especially, when we both do (assuming both canines are friendly with one another – always check and be safe!)

Dogs are the best ice breakers. I go to trails and to parks where dogs are welcome, and I get to talk with people. Even during this pandemic, we can safely socialize because we are outside and spaced well more than six feet apart. I bring my mask in case I can’t avoid physical closeness.

This reminds me of a recent trip. A little girl, maybe three years old, came in with her parents. She loves the dogs that are sort of chillin’ out on their own, away from the pack. My Jackson is the BEST when it comes to little kids. He lets anyone pet him, and he is a dog who allows hugs and can be trusted if a child forgets their manners and gets in his face. She had her mask on, and wanted to come to him. Of COURSE I allowed it. I put mine on, and totally enjoyed the moment of absolute wonder between a child and a dog.

It never gets old for me. And I so appreciated those parents who were teaching their daughter at such a young age the proper way to be around and approach other dogs. About asking and waiting to be sure it’s all right. To not fear dogs, but to be respectful of them and the different temperaments. I eat those moments up.

But I digress.

For me, those parks and those walks have been a true life saver during this year. Yes, I like my alone time, but I NEED community. I need to be with others at least occasionally. This year, I’ve had to find very intentional and safe ways to be around others. For awhile it was just video calls with other humans, and visiting the very few clients (eventually one) I still had during the thick of things.

As we started to learn that outside activities were pretty safe with distancing measures, I was able to take my dog and head out into the wilderness. We’d see other people and he’d see other canines. We both needed it. We needed some sense of community.

So that is my word for the year. Community. I’m learning creative ways to develop it, and I invite you to join me.

And I want to know what you want from me.

I also want to know, do you have a word for the year? Or even a short phrase? Is there something you want to create more of around you? Or maybe less of?

 

While celebrations might be a bit different this year — smaller get-togethers or sharing dinner with friends and relatives over video calls — I’ll bet most of us will still have leftovers we’d love to share with our furry best friends.

Keep in mind, we need to be careful about sharing table food with our dogs. Not just because we don’t want to make them overweight, but especially because those savory and sweet dishes might contain tasty but toxic ingredients: onions, turkey skin, and that chocolate pie to name but a few.

And while canned pumpkin is safe and often quite beneficial for dogs, pumpkin pie is NOT. Many of those spices are toxic, so as tempting as it is to share a piece of that ubiquitous Thanksgiving treat, DON’T!

So how do we include our pups in our favorite part of our Thanksgiving feast — those leftovers? With a great new recipe I found from Dogtipper using leftover turkey … no skin!

These treats contain the added benefit of oatmeal, which can be a great alternative for dogs with wheat allergies.

Oatmeal and turkey dog treats are easy to make for your dog – and oatmeal is a great source of soluble fiber. It’s also an excellent choice especially for senior dogs — or for any dog with wheat allergies.

I can’t wait to make these myself, and might try it with some fresh ground turkey before I even have leftovers from next week’s festivities. I’m certain my own dog will be happy to taste test!